Every Now and Then, You Come to Mind

There’s a Sheryl Crow duet with Sting where she sings the lyric, “Every now and then, you come to mind.” It’s a sad song, a song about lovers who once knew one another and now no longer talk or see one another.

The song speaks to the core of me. A common theme throughout my life is that I don’t let go of things easily for whatever reason. My counselor told me last session that I am a compassionate person. My mother tells me I care very deeply. Other people will tell you I am a humanist, or I am emotional, or I am giving. I guess these all are true.

It swings me back to The Man I Loved. Late last year, I did the whole “Lot’s Wife” thing and turned back. One night, a horrible dream came to me where he was very upset and crying like his world was caving in on him. The dream was one of those very vivid dreams, which, in my life, has always meant there is a message or I need to do something. In this case, I sat on it all day and arrived at the conclusion he was in pain. It was his soul reaching out for help.
Read Every Now and Then, You Come to Mind

25 Years Ago(-ish), I Started College

Around 25 years ago, in late August 1992, I started college (erm, university for you British English speakers out there). It’s a right-of-passage many Americans go through every year when they’re 18, and I’m sure there are many stories about how that first year went for a great many people. Maybe my experience was unique, but I’m pretty sure it’s not.

What I can tell you is I remember my Mom crying when I started college at Northern Illinois University. My excitement due to my freedom was tempered by how upset she was. Being the very anxious person I was and continue to be, I wondered if I’d made the right choice. As an aside: my counselor keeps telling me I do things to please other people instead of myself, and I’m not living my life authentically if I keep doing this. On the other side of this argument, I stayed at college because it was what I wanted, even though it did hurt my mother initially (and maybe it was more of a, “Oh my God, my oldest son is 18 and leaving home and I can’t protect him any more”, which I understand but I’ve never been through so I can’t compare that experience to my own experiences).

Sorry. I digress. You should be used to that by now if you read any of my blogs.

Read 25 Years Ago(-ish), I Started College

A Happier New Year, 2017 Style

When another New Year rolls around, quite a few of us make resolutions to make this year different from the last.  We’re going to lose weight, or stop drinking so much, or run three times a week.  How often we stick to these resolutions really depends on our outlook and our drive to make such a significant change in our lives.
Read A Happier New Year, 2017 Style

Learning to Enjoy Things Again

One of the side effects of the dissociative disorder known as depersonalisation, for me at least, has been the lack of finding enjoyment in many things I used to enjoy.  This has been particularly disturbing for me, as, for those of you who know me can attest, it usually doesn’t take much to amuse me.  That makes me sound rather simple, but, at one time, I would find enjoyment in something as simple as reading a book in my bedroom or listening to music while doodling on a piece of paper.

Yesterday, my counselor asked me point-blank about what I enjoy doing now.  We had been speaking about my falling out of love with Star Trek (something that had been happening for a while, I must admit) while feeling so upset and then overwhelmingly relieved and happy that I was still able to continue portraying Ken Kato in Henglaar, M.D., which, to be honest, was one of the few remaining things I used to like doing that I still enjoy doing.

Read Learning to Let My Guard Down

Life

Life’s a funny old thing.

There are so many sides to it, so many people feeling so many different things within the space of a second on this planet that, if you really stop to think about it, it’s kinda scary!

For example, as you read these words, there will be people falling in love, people falling out of love, people being born, people dying, people laughing, people crying, people praying, people thinking about how they look, people petting their pets, people learning, people stuck on a ventilator… and the list goes on.

What made me think of this was two separate sides of life that came to me on Friday.

Don, who owns the school with Noel, came to me this afternoon quite upset. His mother, 87 and living in a home because her memory isn’t what it used to be, was taken to hospital for suspected heart failure; they didn’t believe she would live very much longer. He’d just seen her earlier in the week, and she’d been fine. And I think that struck him hard because it showed him how fragile life can be and how things can change in only a matter of a short period of time.

So Dorrie (his mother) is in hospital, in a bad way. They’re not sure if she will live, and Don reports she is seeing her husband and her daughter — both of who died years before. This, methinks, is never a good sign.

There, a life is ending. Maybe not today, maybe soon, but her life is now nearing a close.

On the other side of the world, near where I was born and raised, my sister-in-law’s twin sister, Darthy, was getting married this afternoon. She’d been searching for love in all the wrong places (to quote a song) and the tales of some of the guys she’d end up with shocked me, to be honest.

And finally, she met a man who opened his heart to her, did all he could for her and her son, and showed her the kindness and compassion she deserved to see from the start.

Together, a new chapter in their life has begun. A new start, a new beginning as a family and hopefully a successful one at that. For a man to love a woman so much that he’s willing to take her child (who’s not his) in as his own is okay in my book.

Here we are with two separate events in one day to show how multifaceted and complex life is. I often think strange thoughts like that, and sometimes my head feels like it’s going to explode because the concept is too large for one person to handle. Sometimes it feels like I am outside myself when I contemplate these things and realise that life is a lot more than just me and who I am, yet, it couldn’t exist without me or who I am. A very strange paradox indeed.

The moral of this story is love, laugh, live and enjoy life. Start every chapter fresh. As I said to one of my friends recently in response to her blog, don’t look back like Lot’s wife, for you too may never turn back. And live in each moment. For too long I was focused on the future, on the past, so much so that the present was gliding by and I was too busy somewhere else.

Big hugs to everyone!!!

Dark Matter

Dark matter exists between us.

According to Wikipedia, dark matter cannot be observed directly by the naked eye and does not emit or reflect enough radiation to detect through conventional equipment. Humans assume it exists because it has a gravitational effect on everything around it and, simply put, we cannot account for enough mass in the universe; this dark matter must be most of the stuff the universe is made of.

Dark matter is between us as well.

We sometimes tell the truth, omitting some information, and this becomes a lie of omission. We all do it; there’s no denying that.

But sometimes, someone reveals a truth, or we discover a truth, and the gravitational effect on our lives is amazing.

I’d like to think of this as the dark matter of our lives.

Every action, every word, hidden or not, has an effect on something or someone. We don’t know it all the time, but it does. Like dark matter, our lives are influenced by the great mass of unspoken words and unknown truths between us.

Wednesday was a long day. Jamie’s dean called up and said he’d been ditching school for the last two days, which, to be totally honest, was out of character for him. Even his dean admitted that.

I was very angry. Not that shaking-in-rage angry but that simmering pot angry, so, when he walked into my office, I confronted him with it.

But Jamie was adamant he didn’t ditch class. He had people in his classrooms who could vouch for him being there, and he even could explain what he had done in class.

Both Noel and I were satisfied with that explanation. Since Noel was teaching, he left to go back to class.

I’d picked up on something else the dean had said, so I asked Jamie about this as well. I’m not going to get into it because it is a very private matter for Jamie to tell people if and when he feels he would like to.

The dark matter pushed our lives in a different direction. This unspoken truth between us — up to that point, we hadn’t asked, he hadn’t told — was like that dark matter, that unseen but felt influence. Since day one, I felt there was this undercurrent of unknown truth, this dark matter streaming from Jamie.

And now I know the truth, the dark matter revealing itself to me.

But I ask myself: what further dark matter lies ahead? And, how much influence is it having, or will it have, on my life?

Wonderful Day

I’m burnt but happy.

Dave Owen lives with Maurice and Don, a gay couple who have been together for 30-odd years (correct me if I’m wrong, Dave!). They took him in when he was 17.

A few weeks ago, Maurice called and invited us to an “Elevens-at-Eleven” party. We, of course, accepted.

Dave, Don and Maurice all are wonderful hosts. None of the food they served was prepared at the store; the guys lovingly prepared all the food there. And yummy? Wow. You have no idea how these guys can cook.

The garden looked fabulous. As always, their place was a shining example of how to make a house look like an absolutely fabulous home.

Noel, Jamie and I spent the time talking to Dave and a lovely couple (whose names escape me at the present… I get worse the older I get!) and all of us had a thoroughly enjoyable time.

Noel bumped into a few “ghosts” from his past, people who were on the scene when he started on the scene, and I think it might have given him a bit of a shock. I guess you remember these people as they were years ago, not taking into account the fact that if you age, they age as well.

One scary bit was how many “Asian brides” there were there. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I guess what I mean is I personally didn’t expect that. As Noel so graciously put it, it looked like a Ting Tong convention (for those of you who don’t know who Ting Tong is, please see Little Britain Season 3 for more information).

Another scary bit was there were couples there who were not talking to anyone… not even each other. I can’t imagine Noel and me getting to that point; we’re usually too busy joking around, pretending to be a couple who are bitchy at one another than to not talk!

But major kudos to Dave, Don and Maurice for such a wonderful party with such wonderful food!

(Note to self: even on very very very cloudy days… wear sunscreen to avoid that embarrassing tan line appearing!)