Monster in My Head

It took me a long time to share my last post, The Long Road Back, on my blog. See, there’s a monster in my head. Not the depersonalization. No, thankfully, Michael (my counselor) and I have worked out that depersonalization is on the retreat for now.

This? This is something stronger. Read Monster in My Head

Positive Educational Experiences Can Empower People

We Can Do It!

So, today was one of those really busy days at work.  End of term, which always causes a bit of a kerfluffle around the place, was a little more end-of-term-ish for me as I’m taking a break like everyone else over the school holidays instead of working through like I usually do.  I honestly am burnt out and tired and making lots of mistakes, and since my colleague Lyssa is away overseas for personal reasons, I’ll be dealing with new students the last week in July all by myself administration-wise, so I need to be fresh of mind and spirit for that.

Anyway, I had a surprise visit from a graduate of ours today.  She popped in to get a few things, and it was great to see her looking so happy.

After Jacqui left the school, I took over the interviewing for a while, and this student (let’s call her Rikki) came in for an interview after we received her application.  She was quiet, slightly withdrawn, and wholly unconfident.  Her educational experiences had been, to put it nicely, horrible, and her performance obviously suffered as a result.  I had a feeling, reading between the lines, that she’d probably been called “stupid” or “dumb”, when, in actuality, she was anything but that.

Read Positive Educational Experiences Can Empower People

1995: A Turning Point in My Life

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Part of me feels I should say I’m sorry but I’m not sorry.  A lot of shit has been going on in my life, and I’d like to hope most people would agree that real life takes precedence over a blog or keeping others entertained.

There’s a lot to write about, a lot I need to tell you, but I had a bit of an epiphany today, and I wanted to share it with you all.

Last night, I was feeling a bit nostalgic, very awake, and slightly under the influence of a few glasses of vino, so I rummaged through our cabinets below the bookcase with our DVDs and Blu-Rays in them to haul out my old photos from my pre-New Zealand days.

Some bring tears to my eyes.  Some make me long for yesterday and for those who are no longer with us.  Others make me smile.  Others again make me laugh heartily.

I found a photo of someone I haven’t spoken to in a long time, someone who, to be totally honest, hasn’t crossed my mind a lot lately.  He does once in a while, but with time marching on and a million other memories cramming their way into my head every month or three, and having seen each other last in 1995 when we were both totally different people, these thoughts grow fewer and farther the more distant that year becomes.

Read “1995: A Turning Point in My Life”

My Poor Car II: The Return of Warp 8

She’s back.

My beautiful car, Warp 8, is back in service, fresh from repairs undertaken due to my accident a few weeks back.

I have to admit (to a wider audience than just Jacqui and Noel, who I admitted this to yesterday) the accident shook my confidence in my driving, to the point of me nearly deciding I didn’t want to drive again.

Since Warp 8 has been in the shop, we have been driving Noel’s car. On Fridays, when I go to work alone, I often take my car, but, for obvious reasons, I have been taking Noel’s car the last few weeks.

The Friday before last, I was driving to work and got to a huge roundabout (traffic circle for those Americans reading). A car was approaching from my right, which was fine, but it had its left-turn indicator on. The car next to me sped into the intersection, and something deep in me said not to go. I started to inch forward into the intersection but found the supposedly-turning car was going straight forward with its indicator still flashing left.

Even though we were probably in no danger of colliding, my heart jumped into my throat and I was a wreck the entire way into work.

And a voice in the back of my head said: “Maybe you should stop driving. You are obviously a menace on the road.”

But, instead of pulling a Molly or even getting all melodramatic about it and telling it to everyone in a “feel-sorry-for-me” blog, I kept it to myself for a while.

I find, ever more so increasingly, since I was diagnosed with depression in my late teens, that I retreat into myself instead of talking about things. Maybe it’s some defence mechanism that suppresses the emotions in order to deal with them, I don’t know. But, as with this case, I seem to get quiet.

Anyway… Jacqui and Noel brought up a good point: stopping driving because of one accident that may or may not have been my fault is stupid. It’s scary and not fair on Noel especially because I guess I would expect him to drive me around everywhere. So… I thought about it.

My Opa had a girlfriend named Mrs. Kraneis after my Oma died. Mrs. Kraneis had something happen to her when she was driving — I am not quite sure what — but she stopped driving. I am not even sure if she’d been in the US when it happened, or even if I got the right end of the stick, but I know she didn’t drive. And she expected my Opa or one of her family to ferry her around here and there.

It struck me then, thinking about her. I don’t want to end up like that.

As time has gone on in my life, I find my self less and less independent than I was. I don’t know if that is becoming comfortable or if some deep, dark crevasse of my mind has some hidden subconscious agenda or what, but it started manifesting itself around the same time I started turning inward at times. So… it is very important I keep driving (despite feeling shaky about it) for my own sanity. (As Noel will tell you, Mrs. Kraneis had her moments where she was as nutty as a fruit cake, using her Stueck as an extension of her arm.)

On the lighter side of things, boy do brakes vary from car to car. Noel’s car seems to have very gentle, smooth brakes, where you can slowly press down and the car slowly glides to a halt. Warp 8? You lightly tap the pedal and it’s all off; you come to a sudden halt. Which is funny in some respects because I look like I’m learning to drive a car all over again!

But all in all, I am happy to have Warp 8 back. For all the hard work she’s put into our lives, she didn’t deserve to be hit. Alas… I apologised to her all the way back to work (when I picked her up yesterday) so… here’s hoping she’s forgiven me!