Elim Garak, a shifty character on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine whose true allegiance could never be determined, said that once in an episode. That’s the lesson he took away from “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”. To him, the parable wasn’t about being honest and telling the truth so people always believed you, but, from his race’s view — the Cardassians — the moral of the children’s tale was that you should never tell the same lie twice so you never get caught.
I’m not going to lie. My mind has been bouncing between Should I? / Shouldn’t I? In publishing my last two blogs, “The Long Road Back” and “The Monster in My Head“. They went to some low places that, to be brutally honest, have been a strong undercurrent in my life since my depersonalization started around October 2014. Read Never Tell the Same Lie Twice
I seem to be crying a lot in counseling lately.
Yesterday’s session gravitated first around my frustration and anger with the New Zealand Qualifications Authority (NZQA) and their seemingly unrelenting one-eyed behaviour towards me and our organisation.
Read Lost and Found
I’ve said in previous blogs about the earthquakes we went through in Christchurch and Canterbury and New Zealand that, on the last anniversary (or maybe the one before) that I was “over it”. And it did feel that way until a few days ago.
The earthquake near Mexico City on 19 September 2017, and the images coming out of Mexico, have seemingly triggered anxiety about earthquakes. The last few days haven’t been horrible but they haven’t been pleasant either anxiety-wise.
So, the week finishing today has thrown me a lot of different emotions. A diagnosis, a major fire, a victory, a good-bye, a frustrating day, and, finally, a “down” day.
Read My Topsy-Turvy Week
Okay, so got a cheeky Star Wars reference into yet another post about my depersonalization and depression; score one for me.
Seriously, though, yesterday was a very difficult day for me. It honestly didn’t start out that way. I woke up early as I had an appointment with the sleep specialist to check on how my CPAP machine was going. It went very well, and it made me very happy, which made my mood quite bright and cheerful.
On to our second chore while we were out: work. I needed to swap over the back-up drives (which I’d forgotten to do last Friday) and also some work on allocating student loans to the appropriate Public Trust accounts. The second part really didn’t need to be done yesterday, but because I was at work, I thought it would be easier to get everything done in one fell swoop, so I could spend the time during this school holidays actually relaxing without much work at all instead of working every day, a little here, a lot there, and forgoing the whole reason of having a break like I normally do. One of the things I am learning in counselling is I need to step-back and have some “me” time a lot more often than I have been over the past 20 years or so.
Read These Are Not the Emotions You Are Looking For
I speak with my Mom every week to every two weeks. Living on opposite sides of the world is hard, but it’s a little bit easier with the invention of Skype and FaceTime, WhatsApp and Apple Messenger, Instagram and Facebook. Communication is so much easier now than it was when I first moved to New Zealand 20 years ago.
Anyway. My Mom has been talking about getting a tattoo. We’ve had this discussion a few times over the last few years: what type of tattoo would she get; where she would get it on her body; how big it would be; and so on. It was something on her bucket list of things she wanted to do. And, of course, I love her, so anything she wants to do, I support 100%.
Read What Type of Tattoo Would I Get? My Mom Got One…
So, today was one of those really busy days at work. End of term, which always causes a bit of a kerfluffle around the place, was a little more end-of-term-ish for me as I’m taking a break like everyone else over the school holidays instead of working through like I usually do. I honestly am burnt out and tired and making lots of mistakes, and since my colleague Lyssa is away overseas for personal reasons, I’ll be dealing with new students the last week in July all by myself administration-wise, so I need to be fresh of mind and spirit for that.
Anyway, I had a surprise visit from a graduate of ours today. She popped in to get a few things, and it was great to see her looking so happy.
After Jacqui left the school, I took over the interviewing for a while, and this student (let’s call her Rikki) came in for an interview after we received her application. She was quiet, slightly withdrawn, and wholly unconfident. Her educational experiences had been, to put it nicely, horrible, and her performance obviously suffered as a result. I had a feeling, reading between the lines, that she’d probably been called “stupid” or “dumb”, when, in actuality, she was anything but that.
Read Positive Educational Experiences Can Empower People