If you’ve been following my journey through the dissociative disorder known as depersonalization, thank you. Writing about it, and knowing it is being read about, has helped me cope a great deal, and that means a lot to me. Maybe my words are helping you understand what I’m going through, or maybe you’re going through depersonalization too and my words are helping you feel less alone. I hope they are helping someone. Read The Long Road
Okay, so I wrote and published my whole blog yesterday about Depersonalization and Creativity, and how my creativity has been hampered by the illness, but, mulling it over in my mind last night, I realized there were exceptions to that.
What I have taken solace in, from time to time, is photography, using my iPhone mostly.
Taking a few steps backwards from that statement: what some of you may not know is that I used to draw. A lot.
I know my blog has covered a lot about the dissociative disorder known as depersonalization, but since there are so few people who are diagnosed with it, and some people who have been diagnosed with it have reached out to talk about it, I thought it was best that I cover my experiences so others might learn from them.
Anxiety is not really fun, as probably many people can attest to, and it affects various aspects of our lives. When anxiety and depression combine to create depersonalization, this can have a profound effect on a person’s livelihood and outlook.
One of the most frustrating parts of my journey with depersonalization has been the impact it has had on my creativity.
I hate Christmas shopping.
It’s not that I begrudge buying presents for other people. Noel would tell you that I try to be a very giving person (and I hope I succeed).
It’s that I worry about if the other person will like the gift and also if it is too much / too little to give them.
These are pretty stupid things to worry about, I am sure, because I try to be the type of person who is gracious in accepting gifts, even if they aren’t exactly up my alley. People are giving me gifts out of the goodness of their hearts, and I take them in the spirit that they are given.
To be honest, I’d rather have someone come out and say, “I’d like item A, item B, and/or item C for Christmas.” It makes it a lot easier to get the item or even get some inspiration from that.
Noel is very hard to buy gifts for. He’s kinda the guy who has everything… So when I get a flash of inspiration on what I can buy him, I’m always nervous he’s going to buy whatever I’ve bought already, or buy the only gift idea I have for him. (You might laugh, but this does happen sometimes. I try, as gently as I can, to steer him in a different direction. One year, I actually told him, “No, you don’t want to buy that.” He did get the hint…)
I kept getting upset about buying him a Christmas present this year because I had zero idea what to get him. Every time I asked him, he’d say, “Oh no, don’t buy me a present… You paid for us to go to see your family this year” or something similar, and inside, I’d be getting more and more upset because that answer wasn’t helping me figure out what to get him for Christmas.
So, in the last few days, there have been a few flashes of inspiration, and I finally chose the gift I wanted to get him. I did have to shift around some cash to make it happen and got some advice from a good friend. Noel’s present is paid for, wrapped, and hidden somewhere safe… Phew.
Now, for the next lot of gifts for other people…
PS. I did promise that I would show you our Christmas decorations for Christmas 2012. We were waiting on some new lights for one of our Christmas trees, and they arrived Tuesday. Noel put them up, but I haven’t had time to put the decorations up… I’m doing that this afternoon. Hopefully my next blog will be to show you all the pretty things we do with the house for Christmas in our own modest way.