If you’ve been following my journey through the dissociative disorder known as depersonalization, thank you. Writing about it, and knowing it is being read about, has helped me cope a great deal, and that means a lot to me. Maybe my words are helping you understand what I’m going through, or maybe you’re going through depersonalization too and my words are helping you feel less alone. I hope they are helping someone. Read The Long Road
I know my blog has covered a lot about the dissociative disorder known as depersonalization, but since there are so few people who are diagnosed with it, and some people who have been diagnosed with it have reached out to talk about it, I thought it was best that I cover my experiences so others might learn from them.
Anxiety is not really fun, as probably many people can attest to, and it affects various aspects of our lives. When anxiety and depression combine to create depersonalization, this can have a profound effect on a person’s livelihood and outlook.
One of the most frustrating parts of my journey with depersonalization has been the impact it has had on my creativity.
Seriously, though, yesterday was a very difficult day for me. It honestly didn’t start out that way. I woke up early as I had an appointment with the sleep specialist to check on how my CPAP machine was going. It went very well, and it made me very happy, which made my mood quite bright and cheerful.
On to our second chore while we were out: work. I needed to swap over the back-up drives (which I’d forgotten to do last Friday) and also some work on allocating student loans to the appropriate Public Trust accounts. The second part really didn’t need to be done yesterday, but because I was at work, I thought it would be easier to get everything done in one fell swoop, so I could spend the time during this school holidays actually relaxing without much work at all instead of working every day, a little here, a lot there, and forgoing the whole reason of having a break like I normally do. One of the things I am learning in counselling is I need to step-back and have some “me” time a lot more often than I have been over the past 20 years or so.
From Bic Runga’s Sway
“It makes me so tired,
I feel so uninspired…”
The last few days, I’ve not quite known what to blog about… again. We had Waitangi Day, which I covered, but then Thursday rolled around and… My mind went blank. I did have ideas, but there didn’t seem enough substance or knowledge to cover what I thought I should talk about.
I did dig through some old papers and found a journal from 2002 that I was supposed to keep for my life writing class. Part of that was a journal I kept on our first ever cruise. I diligently typed it all out again, all 5,000 words or so of it, and split it into 6 blog entries, with pictures… But I realised these were my thoughts nearly 11 years ago and I’m not quite sure if I ever want to share them with the world. Maybe I will add them as some sort of “blogs from the past” and date them accurately so they appear in the archives here, so they are in context. I’m not sure.
I have found lately that, if I don’t think about breaking down tasks into smaller, easier-to-manage tasks, I find them overwhelmingly difficult, and it stresses me out. My ideas are stale and few-and-far between (and I used to be so creative). My tendency not to think in manageable, bite-sized chunks is a definite disadvantage, and I think this is having a negative effect on my inspiration.
Pushing that further along, I feel like I’ve had these same, stale ideas for years, notes and notes galore, and I still haven’t pushed myself to do anything about them. My life lately has gone back to being work-driven because, I guess, that’s one part of my life I feel I have some control over. Work seems to be the foundation of my life, and the more I think about it, the more I am realizing it shouldn’t be. I honestly think I need to start taking more of my down time focussing on my writing and my creative side.
Part of this extends to my blog. What should this be about? Should it be about my personal life, things that happen from day-to-day? Or should it be about works I’d like to review? Or my writing? A mix of things? Right now, it seems a mix of things.
Anyway… thanks for listening while I ramble on about this. If you have any suggestions, or any blogs that might help focus me, I’d appreciate it. 🙂