Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

Sorry for no blogs lately, boys and girls, but I fell and badly sprained my wrist… so not a lot of typing going on here lately!

So during the hiatus, I bring you Things You Wish You Could Say At Work.  Try it.  See if you can get fired or at least reprimanded!

  1. Ah, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
  2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I’m really easy to get along with. Once you people learn to worship me.
  6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
  8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
  10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
  11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
  14. I’m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?
  20. I’m not being rude; you’re just insignificant.
  21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
  24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication!
  25. Who me? I just wander from room to room…
  26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
  27. Do I look like a people person?
  28. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  29. I started off with nothing. I still have most of it left.
  30. You! Off my planet!
  31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  34. Allow me to introduce myselves.
  35. Whatever kind of look you were going for? You missed.
  36. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  38. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  40. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven’t fallen asleep  yet.
  41. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number one?
  42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  44. Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.
  45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  46. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
  47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  49. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
  50. Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
  51. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is  not looking good either.
  52. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound as they go flying  by.
  53. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
  54. I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on disk somewhere.
  55. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
  56. Some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
  57. If we quit voting, will they all go away?
  58. When money talks, no one criticises its accent.
  59. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  60. My reality check bounced.
  61. If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.
  62. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
  63. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  64. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m the carrier.
  65. Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.
  66. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  67. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you  with experience.
  68. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  69. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
  70. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
  71. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  72. I used to have a handle on life. It broke.
  73. Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.
  74. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
  75. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  76. Consciousness: That annoying thing between naps.
  77. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  78. I may be fat, but you’re ugly, and I can lose weight.
  79. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  80. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
  81. Work harder. People on welfare depend on you.
  82. God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now,  I am so far behind I will live forever.
  83. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
  84. Life is too short. Don’t be a jerk.
  85. Don’t treat men any differently than you would the Queen.
  86. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a workstation. I wonder if that means…?
  87. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
  88. Germs attack people where they’re weakest. That explains your head cold.
  89. There’s always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Space Junk, Anyone?

The explosion made me jump.

Stay calm, I thought as the building shook.  It stopped shaking after 15 seconds or so; I didn’t.

Great.  5th anniversary of 9/11 (which happpened on 12 September here) and we in little old New Zealand have an “event”.

Peering out my office window, I saw people from other units in our office park come out on their balconies or into the carpark, looking around at first, then up to see if any bits of plane were about to rain down upon them.

Because, to be honest, that sound was what I’d imagine a plane exploding to sound like.

Scenerios ran through my head.  Send students home or keep them at school?  I walked out my office and out towards the other offices.  Gather students in one area or keep running classes like normal?  And Don comes out of his office.

“An earthquake, we just had an earthquake, did you feel that?” With the run-on sentence he clutches the nearest student, who also has a look of fear spread across her face.

“It wasn’t an earthquake,” I said.  “Sounded more like an explosion.”

“Earthquake,” another student said.

“Too short for an earthquake,” I responded with authority (as if I had been dealing with earthquakes all my life).

Thank God Noel came out of his office (trying not to laugh at Don flapping around like a duck on heat) and agreed.  He told us how he heard a crack, then an explosion, followed by the shaking: a shaking so severe it rattled his ceiling tiles (and a shockwave so intense it blew all the old leaves, seeds, et cetera on the school roof onto the balcony).  “I’ll turn on the radio.  There might be some news on there.”

Heading back to a window and peering out, I found most of units 8 and 9 outside still looking around. No plumes of smoke.  No plane parts.  No smoldering ruins of buildings.  All good signs.  Maybe.

Kevin (Kim’s husband) called.  Windows at their house in Aranui rattled severely.  His theory? Terrorists detonated a nuclear bomb in Australia and that was what the explosion was (never mind Australia is a 3 hour flight from pretty much anywhere in New Zealand).

Someone else said it was a terrorist attack downtown Christchurch.  I scoffed.  “Christchurch?  What makes Christchurch a primary terrorist target?”

“Well, they say it’s easy for terrorists to get into New Zealand, those terrorists have set off a bomb downtown, that must’ve been the explosion” Don replied. (Who the fudgeciles are “they”?!?)

I gave him one of my special looks.  “Christchurch.  Why Christchurch?  Why not Sydney or Melbourne or Brisbane or anywhere bigger than Christchurch?”

I got my point across; he didn’t say anything else.

Most of the students were gathered near the offices by now, waiting for news on what happened.  One student got a text to say it was a sonic boom (which was strange because all the sonic booms I’ve encountered have “cracked”).

The phone rang. Security company: “Sorry to be so late in calling you, but we’re overloaded.  Your home alarm is going off.  Whatever that explosion was, it’s set off alarms all over the region, and reports of broken windows are coming in too.”

The radio finally clicked over to news: the theory?  Space junk or a meteorite screamed over Canterbury and exploded just north of Christchurch, sending debris all over the place.

And it ended up right.  It was something from space that just happened to streak through our skies.  (Current theory: space junk.  They found a pretty weird looking something smoldering in a field and it doesn’t look like a rock to many people!)

I was going to go on a tirade about terrorism — how we are still afraid of it (even though we have more chance of being killed crossing the street), how some elements are fighting an unwinnable war without addressing the root causes of terrorism (foreign policy sometimes maybe? playing in someone else’s sandbox instead of your own?), how elements of 9/11 still don’t stack up (although it is a very tragic event in American history), how some of us still jump when a bang goes off or when a piece of space junk explodes north of your city — but I don’t want to get too preachy with this thing (the stubborn German male that I am ha ha).

Oh, and there is that part about… will whoever is responsible for half that out-of-service crap orbiting the globe PLEASE clean them up?  Before they cause an environmental disaster or kill someone?

End rant 🙂

False Nails and Spray Tans and IPLs (Oh My)

Okay, I’ve just spent the most money I’ve ever spent as a company director this weekend.

After winding through huge crowds with booths of false nails and spray tans and IPLs (oh my), and having a slight fit over pushing through crowds of people (all of whom seemed to have NO clue where they were going) in Halls 1 – 3 of the Sydney Convention and Exhibition Centre, my eyes fell upon a very gimmicky but holy-cow-is-that-cool machine not represented in New Zealand.

I told Noel to talk to the head honcho.  Now.

(Being a bossy britches cow has its priveleges!)

After wandering the show and seeing nothing but false nails and spray tans and IPLs (oh my), we all felt somewhat disappointed that there was nothing that seemed to stand out and excite us (um, professionally… get your minds out of the gutter!!!) like Expo 2004 had.

Until the ArtPro Nail Printer.

In short, what this machine does is use a computer and printer to allow nail clients to select over 3,000 patterns with 25 colour combinations each — and that doesn’t include the built-in camera where they can take their own pictures and the USB port to allow them to load their own pictures and patterns onto it — and have their real or false nails painted with that design in only a few minutes.

Now, for those of you who know nothing about nail art — and that is probably about 99% of people reading this — those who do perform nail art by hand can spend from 45 minutes to 3 hours on one set of nails, so this could revolutionise nail art in New Zealand.  Not to mention, about $30 for a set of do-it-yourself nails for those who can’t afford to go to a technician or want a neat set of throw-away nails for a party also can flock to this machine, as it can do entire sets at a time.

So after two days of talking and playing with the machine and seeing results… I  spent $12,000 on one machine and supplies to get the agency in New Zealand rolling.  I just got that feeling that this machine would be a hit (and my voo-doo has been very accurate lately), and somehow convinced Noel the same thing (he later admitted he only signed on because I was so adamant about that machine).

I made Noel sign the invoice because, to be honest, it scared the daylights out of me. Yes, I own a quarter of that business but… I’ve never spent money like that with it.

What that all means is watch this space on its success.

Back to the Sydney Beauty Expo… it was somewhat disappointing.  Same big companies with their flash products.  Kudos to Payot and Pervonia for having wonderfully beautiful stands and therapists on them who looked professional.  Kudos to Napolean make-up for being so cheeky by having guys in pink, girls in blue and a rockin DJ (theirs was the most popular stand there I’d say).

And whoever was sending around the tall, dark, tanned, toned guy in nothing but white boxers… I want his phone number (ha ha).

Oh, I guess I could just go for second place with those two guys wearing tight tight tight pink tee-shirts.  Very Latino looking, so Dave would be in like a shot (sorry just had to mention that).

Hmph.  Now I’ve spent that amount of money, I’m itchin to spend more!  What’s a few bucks on some CDs I’ve wanted for a while…

Bye, Bye, Miss Pacific Sky

They’ve sold my most favourite ship.

The Pacific Sky, the first cruise ship I ever went on, has been sold to the Spaniards and renamed Sky Wonder.

So why am I upset?

She was a wonderful ship.  A wrap-around promenade deck, a large, three-tiered back deck with 2 pools, bars, sun and surf.  Her interior was a bit shabby, but well-loved.  Bars with comfortable seats and good staff.  A pizzaria with excellent, inexpensive pizza. The rooms were bland but homely and had a shower so big you could have a party in it.  (Watching the water slosh around in the shower cabinet floor as the ship rocked and I was a little, um, “happy” always was amusing.)  Half the toilets on the ship would break down every time someone threw their bathroom door open and a washcloth would drop off into the toilet (who left the seat up anyway?) and instead of digging it out, some lazy bastard would flush it, incapacitating the entire port side’s toilet system.

But despite that, she was a ship with character.  She was a ship to have fun on, a ship to fall in love with (and on), a ship to voyage to strange new places.

And a ship to discover things about life, about human nature and about who you were whilst aboard.

So many fond memories on that ship.  I remember the first time Noel and I went on the Pacific Sky.  One formal night, the sky was clear as, and two male crew members (Adrian and Ryan I think) were standing out on the deck.  Noel and I joined them to see what they were looking at, and another couple joined us all as well.  They pointed up at the sky.  “Isn’t it amazing,” Adrian asked.  Looking up, from the slight swells in the sea reflecting the moonlight, up past the twinkling lanterns billions of miles away in the sky, was the moon, a rainbow-coloured halo surrounding it.  And the six of us stood there, admiring this crisp, clear, halo-clad moon for ages because… well, because it was breathtaking.  It was a moment that will never come again.

Marg, Colin, Shirley, Noel and I went ashore to Champagne Bay in August 2004.  On the tender, we were laughing and joking until we rounded the corner into the bay and we heard children singing in harmony.  Beautiful cream-coloured sand arched across the beach and into the clear, turquoise blue water.  The beach led up to a grassy area with large, shady, inviting trees dotting the beachfront.  A forested area lie beyond that, cows grazing amongst the trees, and as we approached the dock, we could see these children singing, smiles beaming on their dark chocolate coloured faces.  Beyond the stall they were singing in, a forest, like those you read about in fairy tales, with tall trees, branches too high to climb up into.  Two children were sitting in the bough of another tree at the edge of the beach and smiled and said hello.  Marg, Colin and Shirley walked over to talk to them.

The five of us turned to one another and said, “This is heaven.”  And it is.  If I had to pick any place on earth to be heaven (if I had a choice), it would be Champagne Bay in Vanuatu.

The cruise in April 2003, after the Pacific Sky unexpectedly was in drydock for a few weeks in Auckland, was one of the best.  The crew were bright and fresh, the passengers were happy that their cruise hadn’t been cancelled (we were the first aboard after 3 previous cruises had been cancelled), and everyone was in a party mood.  We met Colin and Shirley aboard that cruise.  And we had fun!  Of course, crew like Anja, Georg, Shona, Demo, James, Daniel, Carmelo, Mel, Rudi, Rachel, Joanna, Jason and Joel made it great as well!

So the Pacific Sky took us to these new worlds, these new experiences, and they will forever be engrained in my memory.  Just writing about them brings a smile to my face.

And what did I discover whilst I was aboard?

  1. Women get excited about bingo.  Our cabin was below the showlounge women’s toilets one cruise and during bingo, boy did they flush those toilets.  A lot.
  2. Tattoo (“The plane! The plane!”) from Fantasy Island is alive and kicking.  He cleaned windows and glass doors on the Pacific Sky.  Well, the ones he could reach, anyway.
  3. We are all beautiful people.  The way he smiles, how her eyes sparkle when she laughs… we are all beautiful in one way or another.
  4. Officers wearing all white amazingly disguise their underwear / pantyline very well.  No one we know has had the courage to ask them how yet.  We should have them come and talk to some of our students sometime about that (pink polka-dot undies under a white smock… not flattering).
  5. We all come together when we’re having fun, whether that be straight or gay or black or white or male or female.  To live for the moment and enjoy company is the most important thing because that moment has never been and will never be again.
  6. That I’m the same blue as the ocean, that dark, deep blue, that the core of the ocean (if you can call it that) is the core of me.

So, when I heard P & O sold the first cruise ship I’d ever been on, the tears did come to my eyes because I’d never see my old friend the Sky again.  That regal lady sailing into Auckland harbour.   Waving good-bye to all those people staying at the Hilton or seeing off loved ones as a four-piece Dixie band plays “Now Is The Hour” and the ship drifted away from the wharf.   All those good times, all those memories are just that… in the past.  Engrained in that ship with a new coat of paint, new crew, new passengers, new oceans and new markets, all of which, I am sure, are just as taken with her as I was.

I’ll raise a glass to that fine lady on the next cruise we’re on and say… Bye, bye Miss Pacific Sky.